Are you practicing radical acceptance?

Radical acceptance - you don't have to like it for it to be effective

You might have heard the term ‘radical acceptance’ thrown around in mental health or therapy spaces - the idea that if you accept the reality of your circumstances, you will achieve a level of enlightenment and detachment that only gandhi could dream of. Sounds pretty great, huh? But what does it mean, practically, to be radically accepting? 

One of the biggest sticking points that I hit with my clients is the experience of liking vs. accepting. Oftentimes the two get conflated. To accept something doesn’t mean we like it, it only means that we accept it to be a reality. The whole crux of radical acceptance is the idea that radically accepting frees up the mental real estate occupied by a non-accepting state. This often manifests as anxiety, rumination, or codependence. Radical acceptance does not mean that we don’t feel discomfort, or even pain, it just means that we don’t have to deal with the secondary pain of forcing things that aren’t within our control. A concept that illustrates this well is clean vs. dirty pain. Clean pain is naturally occurring - it results from things like a breakup, the loss of a loved one, or disappointment from a partner. Dirty pain, on the other hand, results from a lack of acceptance of this initial pain. Dirty pain is what we would call suffering, and typically results from a lack of acceptance. 

Noticing radical acceptance, or a lack thereof

So how do you actionably move through the stages of radical acceptance? Let’s break it down. Step one is pretty straightforward: noticing a lack of acceptance. This might look like ruminating, excessive venting, or turning a situation around in your head over and over again. It’s a fine line between processing something and perseverating on it. Pause, take a moment, and check in with yourself. Is there something you’re not accepting? That takes us to step 2: remembering the reality of reality. This sounds simple, but it’s tougher in practice, and requires a degree of brutal honesty with yourself. Again, take a moment to get still and quiet. Are you dealing in reality, or an imagined reality or fantasy? It may be helpful to think of this through the lens of willfulness vs willingness. Willfulness is similar to forcing in that it requires effort, where acceptance naturally necessitates ease. Willingness, alternatively, is more aligned with radical acceptance. If you are accepting reality as reality, you may feel uncomfortable, but you will also likely feel unburdened and more easeful. 

Step 3 is acknowledging that everything makes sense. Admittedly, this is the piece that I struggle with the most. This step requires you to examine all of the contributing factors to why things shook out the way they did, in order to see that what happened was inevitable. For example, if you are struggling to accept a breakup, you may take stock of all of the ways that you and your ex were actually incompatible, or how the circumstances made it so that you were never going to work out. Understanding that this didn’t happen inexplicably can help to ground yourself in the moments where acceptance feels challenging.

Embodying acceptance & opposite actions

The final two stages involve embodying acceptance and practicing opposite-to-emotion actions. Practicing acceptance in your body provides a bottom-up approach to cultivating acceptance. By “acting as if” you are accepting a reality in your body, this communicates to your mind that you are in a state of acceptance, which naturally elicits a more accepting mind. Opposite-to-emotion actions are similarly straightforward. Start by making a list of everything that you would be doing differently if you had accepted. Practice making your way through that list, and remember that discomfort is a natural part of this process. Life is worth living even if there’s pain.

Ready to start your journey towards radical acceptance? Reach out to one of our clinicians today. We can’t wait to hear from you.