Limerence: What it is and how to work through it

What is limerence?

Limerence is the experience of obsessive romantic feelings towards an individual that are typically unrequited. Limerence simulates the early stages of falling in love, and is easily confused with amorance, which is the true state of being in love. The term was first coined in the late ‘70s by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, and has since gotten a foothold in popular psychology. 

The power of limerence & how it can hurt us

Limerence can be broken down into four stages: attraction, obsession, frustration/elation, and resolution. The first stage is largely self-explanatory, but the real crux of limerence is in the second and third stages. In a limerent relationship, the person experiencing the obsessive feelings typically does not know the limerence object (LO) well, and therefore is able to project positive qualities onto the person that they may not actually have. Part of what makes limerence so powerful is the fact that one does not know the LO intimately, and therefore can create the ideal fantasy relationship in their head. The danger in this, however, is the individual runs the risk of becoming emotionally unavailable to a real life relationship, as nothing can compare to the fantasy in their head. Unless the individual is able to successfully move through the fourth stage of resolution, they can remain stuck in a limerent state for upwards of three years. While this may not sound all that bad, a limerent obsession can be quite distressing and impairing, as thoughts of the LO are often distracting and out of one’s control, similar to intrusive thoughts. 

Another component of what makes limerent relationships so powerful is the unattainability of the LO. As mentioned, the absence of a real relationship with the LO allows the individual to preserve the fantasy relationship in their head - it remains uncontested. If the individual were to actually enter into a relationship with the LO, there is no way that it could possibly live up to the fantasy. In this way, limerent relationships are protective - they do not require the emotional vulnerability or intimacy of an amorant relationship. 

Limerence may seem harmless, but the obsessive nature of it can actually be quite impairing.

Neurodivergence and limerence

It is also worth noting that there is a high degree of overlap between limerence and neurodivergence. Though there is no empirical evidence demonstrating a causal link between the two, there are certain parts of neurodivergent profiles that may make individuals more susceptible to developing limerent obsessions. Neurodivergent folks often present with ‘special interests’ which they direct a large amount of time and energy towards. Limerence is essentially a special interest directed at a specific individual and, similar to other types of obsessional-level interests, consume a great deal of mental bandwidth. Additionally, limerent fantasies can serve as a form of emotional regulation. Individuals may unconsciously seek a sense of escape and calm in fantasies of the LO. While the individual may appear to be present, they may have actually escaped into the fantasy world of their mind that is devoid of the threats and demands of reality.

How to let go of a limerent obsession

Once you identify that what you are experiencing is limerence and not love and decide that you are ready to let go of this obsession, you are faced with the hard work of undoing the fantasy in your head. The most surefire way - and also the hardest way - to go about this is by directly confronting the LO with your feelings. They will either reciprocate your feelings, or they will pop your limerent bubble and let you know they’re not interested. Either way, you will have concrete data regarding their feelings that you can use to counter obsessional patterns of thinking that maintain a limerent state. Another way to counter a limerent mindset is to refrain from obsessive connection seeking with the LO, such as frequently checking their social media or seeking out opportunities to spend time with them. 

If you are ready to seek support in moving out of a limerent state, or simply deepening your understanding, reach out to one of our neurodivergent-affirming clinicians today. We can’t wait to meet you.

References: 

The psychology of limerence, from The Psychology of Your 20s podcast

What is the connection between autism and limerence and how can therapy help? From Best Self Psych