At this point, we all know that codependence is a relationship killer, and a place that sooo many of us find ourselves. In 1986, Melody Beatttie introduced us to the pitfalls of the all-to-pervasive codependent relationship, like getting enmeshed with another person’s emotions or behavior and letting that dictate your wellbeing. But what do we do instead? For those of us who identify as chronically codependent or lifelong people pleasers, when we make the shift away from enmeshment, we’re often left floundering to find a new baseline. Sometimes, this looks like swinging to the opposite end of the spectrum, and moving into the camp of hyper-independent. Like most things, the sweet spot is not in either extreme, but somewhere in the middle.

So, what is that elusive middle ground? Interdependence is defined as, “the dependence of two or more people or things on each other,” while codependence is, “excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner.” Interdependence denotes a reciprocal relationship - two or more people depending on each other to meet some of their needs. Codependence, on the other hand, describes a one-sided relationship - one person in a dyad or group relies on the other(s) to meet - usually all of - their needs. More times than not, the overreliance on the other person puts considerable strain on the relationship, resulting in exactly what the codependent was trying so desperately to avoid - the loss of the relationship.
Another important distinction between codependence and interdependence is that interdependence functions to bolster both individuals’ independence. In a truly interdependent relationship, both partners are working to uplift the other’s individuality and wellbeing from a place of love and respect for their partner’s humanity. Conversely, codependence functions to mold the other person into a role that comforts the codependent’s anxiety - there is an inherent lack of respect for the individual’s personal autonomy in this case.
How to know if you’re codependent, independent, or interdependent?
How do you feel when navigating conflict with your partner? If your response is something along the lines of threatened, defensive, or scared, you may dig a little deeper into the possibility of codependence. If your relationship is the thing that you use to regulate your nervous system, the threat of a rupture will set off alarm bells - cue the defensiveness and fear. Another barometer for codependence is your response to your partner’s mood, generally. Do you find that you’re markedly happier, more relaxed, or excited when your partner is in those states? If you feel like an emotional weathervein to your partner’s changing emotions, you may be experiencing codependence.
What if you feel removed from or irritated by arguments with your partner? You feel resistant to taking next steps towards a blended life with them? If this is the case, you may fall into the camp of hyperindependent. If your partner’s emotions feel burdensome or irritating, this may be a sign that you place a level of value on your independence that makes a relationship untenable. Whether codependent or hyperindependent, neither of these descriptions denote a moral failing on your end. Rather, they present an opportunity for you to look inward and decide if it’s worth reexamining these patterns and working towards a more balanced state.

What does interdependence look like?
So… what does interdependence look like, and how can you get it? Interdependence is the delicate balance of respecting, and even admiring, your partner’s individuality while also depending on them for some of your emotional, psychological, and relational needs. Practically, this looks like coming to your partner for emotional support, while also being able to accept that they have a limited capacity to give that support. It looks like a willingness to show someone your most vulnerable parts and ask for what you need, while simultaneously knowing that, ultimately, you are responsible for your own wellbeing.
The journey towards interdependence is a long and winding one, and it can be helpful to have someone to get curious with you along the way. If you’re interested in finding support to start your journey towards relational healing, we would be honored to walk alongside you. Reach out to us today.
For further reading:
Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie
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