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How to tell if your boundary setting is working

  • Writer: Andie Chilson, LGPC
    Andie Chilson, LGPC
  • Feb 20
  • 3 min read


There is no contesting that boundary setting is a vital part of caring for yourself by respecting your limits. When utilized effectively, boundary setting helps us to prevent burnout and resentment and preserve our relationships. However, when boundary setting is misused, it can lead to isolation, miscommunication, and unnecessary harm in relationships. It is also important to note that boundary setting looks very different in collectivist cultures compared to the dominant individualistic culture in the West! However, in today’s blog post, we are going to be considering the application of healthy boundaries in individualistic cultures, where they are most liable to be misused.


Sooo… what is a boundary, anyway?


Let’s start out by talking about what a boundary is and is not. There are three different types of boundaries: rigid, diffuse, and flexible. A rigid boundary is one that is too closed off. It doesn’t allow for room for growth, compromise, or collaboration. A diffuse boundary is the opposite - it is overly flexible and unclear to the point that it doesn’t serve a purpose. What we’re striving for is the middle ground - a flexible boundary. Flexible boundaries allow us to live in line with our values as well as honor our capacity at any given time. Flexible boundaries serve to protect both ourselves and the longevity of our relationships. 


Rigid and diffuse boundaries are very different in practice, but both equally as harmful to relationships.
Rigid and diffuse boundaries are very different in practice, but both equally as harmful to relationships.

Rigid boundaries (too much)


It becomes clear that a boundary is being misused when it functions to abdicate responsibility or avoid conflict. For example, a rigid boundary might look like refusing to talk to a friend when you know you have hurt them, because the interaction feels daunting and uncomfortable. This isn’t a boundary, this is avoidance. A way that a boundary could function effectively in this example is not allowing your friend to disparage or berate you because you have harmed them. You still show a willingness to do the challenging work of engaging in this conversation despite the discomfort, while still honoring that there are certain behaviors that you do not have to accept. In utilizing boundary setting this way, you create a dynamic that is sustainable in the relationship - one that simultaneously honors your needs and allows for challenging conversations that foster a sense of respect, accountability, and greater emotional depth. 


Diffuse boundaries (not enough)


A diffuse boundary is equally as ineffective as a rigid one. Diffuse boundaries make it difficult to know where we begin and another person ends. We may not even recognize boundaries that we have until they are transgressed and we are inexplicably angry or resentful. Just because we don’t recognize that we have boundaries doesn’t mean we don’t have them. If you find yourself constantly reactive rather than responsive to other people, this may mean it’s time to get clear on what your boundaries are and intentionally enact them. Another indicator that we have diffuse boundaries is that we find ourselves prioritizing other people’s preferences or comfort over our own - we may not even know what our preferences are. Diffuse boundaries don’t develop in a vacuum. Our relationships, cultural experiences, and socialized gender norms all inform a fear of setting boundaries. We most commonly see diffuse boundaries in women who are told that their needs are preferences and their preferences are secondary to everyone else’s. It took time to become conditioned in this way, and it will take time to unlearn it.


Are you ready to embark on the hard work of identifying and implementing your boundaries? Reach out to one of our therapists today. We’d love to walk alongside you.


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